The Marci Rating System

Posted by The Fake History Hunter

https://fakehistoryhunter.net/2026/02/08/film-review-outlander-2008/

http://fakehistoryhunter.net/?p=8561

This article was originally a thread on social media, which is why it is formatted with lots of images and short responses.
The text is about the image below that paragraph.

Going to watch the film ‘Outlander‘ from 2008 because one of you told me I should.
Review time!

The poster looks horrific but I LOVE John Hurt.

Here’s the trailer, so you can get an idea of what I’m about to get myself into:

Okay sweaty dirty space guy crash lands.
Normally I quite like sweaty dirty space guys but unfortunately it’s Jim Caviezel.
Ew:

He’s getting some info shot into his brain, now he knows every wikipedia article on this planet and the region.
That’s how I learn history, straight through the eye:

Well that doesn’t look fake at all, honest…:

Well that looks familiar!
Are we in the past?
Yay:

That sure looks like a viking village and it doesn’t look to bad, from here up in a tree:

Behind the walls it looks, well interesting.
But hey, I see colours and no blue filter!
That’s good!

Not bad, that’s a nice long house in the back.
It all looks a little bit odd, but not bad, I’ve seen worse:

Wait, so their man big boss cool super building has a tree growing out of it?
That doesn’t sound right but does sound awesome.
And I love the look out towers with massive horns to blow through:

JOHN HURT.
I love him so much.
This shot alone that flooded my brain with happy memories of all the films & tv shows he did is worth watching the film.

Remember The StoryTeller?
I miss you John:

What?
He’s fighting a woman?
How unrealistic!
Of course women are and always have been fighters, but none of us would have fought our John.
It’s the eternal law.
Hands off Hurt:

There’s no conclusive evidence that Vikings had tattoos.
Which btw I really enjoy big burly men with Viking themed tattoos:

So she was fighting her dad because she doesn’t want to marry some guy.
I like that. I’d fight my dad with a sword if he wanted me to marry some bloke.
Unless mr Hurt was my da. #handsoffhurt

What on earth is everyone wearing though?
This film would be so much better if they weren’t wearing fantasy outfits:

Who is this actor again?
I think I’ve seen him in a million Viking films.
Oh yes, Jack Huston.
I think I like Jack.

OH! He was Richard Harrow in Boardwalk Empire!
Loved that show, loved that role!

do like that our viking chieftain looks like an old hippie grandad.
I’d still go to war for him:

With all due respect to the set designer, but that looks like the fakest water well I’ve seen since that one in the German Western theme park that I jumped in to give my parents a fright back in 1980:

The clothes are not too bad here, but…. ORANGE CARROTS!
No, bad prop master, bad.
They did exist but carrots generally came in all kinds of different colours and having a pile of all orange ones wouldn’t really be a thing till centuries later, after the Dutch made them popular:

I love the idea for this film though, space guy lands in Viking times to hunt scary monster or something.
Great!
But the chieftains daughter who doesn’t want to get married having to look after the prisoner is a bit of a cliche.

Whatever will happen next… oh you know!

Another viking who looks like he’s been to Woodstock.
But I like it, long hair, braids, beards.
This is all clearly before the History Channel taught everyone vikings had wacky hair, this is more authentic:

I need one of these with a permanent guard so they can blow that horn when the shopping delivery boy approaches:

“give me my blade woman”.
Great line.
Also that’s a pretty good looking viking sword:

That’s unexpected.
Alien in the village!
Cool.
See, I’m allergic to fantasy so if this was a dragon I would have walked, but an alien, yes that’s totally believable:

Okay, I’m allowing it this time because it’s night and he’s just gotten out of bed and there’s an alien killing people.
But archaeologist have found 98392234 billion (slight exaggeration) viking combs so there’s no excuse for hair like that:

This is genuinely brilliant.
They want a chase in a maze, but mazes weren’t really a common thing in viking villages, so they do it in a maze made out of skins drying!
That’s really smart, well done:

The monster looks promising, it’s too dark to see how it really looks but that’s good story telling.
At first you don’t see it at all, just hear it.
Then you catch a glimpse, then you see it in the dark, etc.
That’s how you build tension:

Naked arm boy is chained up again.
I’m getting the feeling the writer here has a thing for men being tight up.
Something I have no problem with, just noticing it:

Well that’s not nice:

Oh dear, spaceboy has a flashback to when the beastie did mean things to his village and his family on planet iron butt:

Yes, I said PLANET IRON BUTT:

Okay this is a bit silly.
A massive tree inside the main hall that has a super duper high roof, but goodness it looks cool:

Hahaha Viking woman knocks space boy to the ground.
Awesome:

I want to complain about all the dirty faces but their village was attacked by an alien last night and partially set on fire, so it’s okay they forgot to wash, just this once:

By Thor, is that a baby goat body as a drinking flask?
Jebus:

Unrealistic and silly.
That’s mead, you don’t spit that out.
It’s not strong at all, well the taste isn’t.
The danger of mead is that it is insane drunkenness disguised as a soft sweet little drinkie drink, don’t ask me how I know:

For some reason they’re now fighting a bear.
It’s very dark, probably to hide the fact that the bear is a stuffed one from an antique shop or something:

I both love and hate that every single viking film has a feast scene.
It’s so predictable, so cliche… but well, what’s a viking film without one?
What a big hall though, and so bright.
Looks more like a viking theme park restaurant:

Space boy has dressed like a viking.
It looks like they have the history channel on his planet because he looks like a moron:

OMG a big massive tub full of mead.
That is a party.
Where have I seen this before?

Oh yes, I saw that in The Vikings (1958)!
Here you go:

A little boy, a viking king, a bear, I’m thinking about The StoryTeller again and getting a bit teary eyed because I’m an old softy who misses Mr. Hurt:

That’s a pretty decent Viking sword:

Show time?
Time for a choreographed viking dance?

That’s me if I had lived in viking times.
Drunk old crazy lady clapping her hands because pretty boys walk on some shields:

This running on the shields is fun, if I ever find myself at another viking feast I shall talk some drunk men into doing this.
It’s not a proper viking party if nobody breaks a bone:

Oh god, predictable romantic stuff.
How boring.
Get on with it:

Thank the gods, there’s a battle.
Much more fun than romance.
To be fair, this is also a bit boring.
There’s this monster on the loose we need to fight, remember?

OH it’s Ron Perlman!
I love him, what a face.
Blood covered angry shouting viking.
Yep, that’s our Ron.
Still… tattoos… nej, nej, nej:

Skipped some romantic stuff till we finally return to fighting the evil hippy slaying monster.
OMG it’s a jukebox:

This I like.
Not more hunting & fighting, but they’re setting a trap:

I want a barrel like that.
I’ll put wheels under it and a horse in front of it and then ride around with my medieval inspired motorhome thingy:

This is not bad looking.
Fire in the middle, beds on the side, oil lamps in stead of bloomin’ torches.
I’ve slept in places like this, best night’s sleep I’ve ever had:

Flashback time.
Ah so spaceboy and his pals wiped out all the alien monsters when they wanted to steal their planet.
Naughty colonisers, bad humans!
I’m kind of on the side of the aliens now.
Go on, bite that awful man in half:

Nice helmet, no horns:

The christian priest is going to stop the beastie with prayer or something.
Anyone taking bets on how that’s gonna go?

Yeah, like that:

Fire arrows only work if you use special arrows, just some burning rags at the tip isn’t going to do it:

With a normal arrow like here, the rags generally won’t stay on, the fire won’t keep burning, but that’s splitting hairs, this is just a few feet, so it might work:

Pretty smart way of taking out the beastie.
But the film has another half hour to go so we’re not quite done:

The women are all hiding indoors?
Pff viking women?
Nej!

Oh elbow snot, there’s another one and it’s in the hall!

Time for Freya to kick some alien backside.
Go on, do it for the gods, think of Saint Ripley!

Oh no and the fire didn’t kill the other monster, it just annoyed him:

Noooo not Perlman, nooooo:

Nooooo, not Hunt, nooo
HANDS OFF HUNT!

Now I’m no longer on the alien’s side:

like that they had this whole pretty smart trap that seemed to work but then didn’t.
Now what?
Everybody abandons the land?

Okay, this is just a very silly sword:

This film could have been a bit shorter.
Anyway, now we go into some underwater cave.
They really are pulling out all the stops though:

Of course the woman ends up in the monster’s nest and needs rescuing by a man.
Yawn:

Monster looks a bit like a Xenomorph here.
God it would have been awesome if this was a proper Alien film:

Okay at least she kills one of them herself:

Sorry, maybe I’m just too old for this lark, but all this fighting is getting a bit boring.
Get on with it.
I find it difficult to really care for any of the characters and am just not that bothered about them dying or not.
Which is kind of a big deal in movies:

Stupid dumb silly He-Man sword.
If the alien had not killed the two best actors in the film and possibly some of my ancestors, I’d want it to win:

Now the only other actor I also like is also dying.
Well then, good thing it’s almost over:

Eugh, more romance.
Pass the bucket:

Delicious shot:

No:

An arrow shot with that speed, that far, with some rags on fire will most likely not work.
The fire will go out, the rags will not stay on.
You need special arrows:

Something like this might have worked… but more importantly…

…burning viking ship cremations at sea were not a thing.
At least there’s no evidence for them, sorry.
It’s also a bit iffy, imagine that floating BBQ floating back to harbour or sinking right there where you need to leave your fjord.
Pretty though:

THE END.
Okay, well the idea was original, the film had a few good things, historically speaking it was rather iffy but I’ve seen worse.
It was also a bit predictable and too long.
4/10

If you like my reviews there are more here;

https://fakehistoryhunter.net/2022/11/14/my-reviews/

https://fakehistoryhunter.net/2026/02/08/film-review-outlander-2008/

http://fakehistoryhunter.net/?p=8561