The Marci Rating System

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/09/my-coworker-doesnt-like-me-colleague-is-too-invested-in-the-birth-of-my-child-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=41866

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker doesn’t like me

I have a coworker who always seems just a little bit annoyed with me. I see it in things like her pause before responding, not laughing at my jokes, and rarely sharing office chit chat. It’s so subtle I spent ages trying to figure out why I felt so insecure around her or if it was all in my head.

Overtly, she’s very professional — she doesn’t ignore emails or questions, is very supportive of my team, and is never obviously rude.

I would normally address stuff like this, but in this case, when the behavior is hard to even name, I’m not sure it’s worth bringing up. Maybe I just need to think of it as an “it’s not me it’s you” thing, and continue on professionally myself? Is it even possible to improve someone else’s opinion of you when you’re the bitch eating the crackers?

We’re the only two people at our level in the department and our teams actively overlap, so we need to be able to work together. It would be nice if doing so felt more enjoyable. Any advice?

If she were being rude, unresponsive, or otherwise difficult to work with, that would be worth addressing directly.

But if it’s just that you can tell she doesn’t really like you — and it’s all things like not laughing at your jokes and not chatting socially — that is not something you can or should address. It’s okay that she doesn’t really like you! We all have people we just don’t like, and as long as we don’t let it become their problem (by being rude or unkind to them), that’s okay. You probably have people who you don’t really like either!

2. My coworker is too invested in the birth of my child

My coworker Elmo and I work on the same general team but in different areas. Elmo ranks slightly above me. They are very nice, a good collaborator, and a warm conversationalist, but our remote work schedules have us in the office on different days and so we rarely interact on a professional or personal basis. That is, apparently, unless I’m about to give birth.

During my first maternity leave, Elmo started texting me to “check in” as soon as my out-of-office message for my leave went up. (Though not pertinent, I was still in labor at that point!) Elmo did not take a hint when I did not respond to their first text and texted many, many more times over the following weeks and months. I did not respond to any of them, and I did not acknowledge them (and Elmo did ask why I did not) when I returned from my leave. I had hoped Elmo felt awkward enough being “left on read” to read between the lines, and I took care to avoid texting completely in an effort to set a boundary since then.

Well. It was not enough.

I’m about to take my second maternity leave, still working, with no out-of-office up, and I received a text from Elmo asking how I’m doing.

Since Elmo and I are not casual texters and I’ve already experienced Elmo’s maternity leave-related weirdness, I am really bothered and (to be honest) creeped TF out! I am a private person, and to have the texts start now feels like they’re laying groundwork for continued outreach during my leave. It feels really calculated and intrusive, and my partner feels similarly bothered.

I had planned to talk to my boss about my last experience with Elmo and ask them to issue a “request for privacy” during my leave when the time came, but I’m just far enough away from my due date that I haven’t yet. How can I deal with this in a professional way? I want to establish a clear boundary but not burn a bridge of friendly (work-related!) communication.

You’re better off saying something to Elmo directly than asking your boss to handle it. If for no other reason, your boss is likely to ask you if you’ve tried saying something directly, and it’s better to be able to say yes. It that doesn’t work, then you can bring in your boss — but try it yourself first.

For example, you could say this in reply to the text: “You couldn’t have known, but I’m pretty private about my pregnancy and maternity leave and prefer not to be checked in on about them. Thanks for understanding, and I’ll see you when I’m back in (month)!”

Obviously they could have known, based on your lack of replies the first time! You’re saying “you couldn’t have known” just to help them save face and keep things warm since you otherwise like them and your working relationship.

3. The two managers I work for are at war with each other

I’ve been at my tiny organization for 10 years, working under the co-founders. Over time, the org has naturally split into two parts, with one co-founder leading on each part. I technically work across both, though lean more heavily to one side in the day to day.

The leader I work under (Ellen) has had a problem with the other leader (Norah) for a while. Ellen is conflict-averse but has been letting her frustration show more and more. It came to a head recently when Ellen accidentally replied to an email from Norah where she had said something rude about Norah further down the email chain. This led to a confrontation where Ellen told Norah that she didn’t see the co-leadership working. They left it that they would both go away and think about this.

They have both spoken to me and I’ve said I can’t be involved, both as a subordinate and also because I’m leading on dealing with another major ongoing crisis. I have suggested several times they speak to the chair of the management committee that oversees us, but neither has.

Ellen seems to feel better now her feelings have been said aloud, but Norah feels annoyed and rejected with no clear path. Norah says that since she has no desire for change, any suggestion of what needs to change needs to come from Ellen. Ellen is the sort of person who is very good at her core work but struggles with problem-solving and strategic thinking, so won’t come up with a solution to this on her own. So we are all left in the balance!

We have a meeting coming up with our management committee and had previously been discussing organizational structure, so no doubt this will come up and I’m not sure what/how to handle it. I’m not sure it’s my place to try and manage this from beneath them, but I will be impacted by the fall-out so I’m wondering if you think there is anything I can or should do.

There’s nothing you can or should do. This is a conflict above your pay grade and you don’t have the positional power to do anything about it, and Ellen and Norah (or the management committee) will need to figure it out themselves.

In theory, I can imagine a scenario where you’re able to see a potential solution that Ellen and Norah aren’t seeing, and where you have the the standing and influence with one or both of them to propose it … but you’d need to pitch it in a detached “here’s one potential solution” way without participating in (or even being invested in) making it happen. And that would be the limit of how involved you could be.

4. My new coworker is insisting I call every customer

I’ve recently begun to experience some frustration with a new coworker while trying to give her some grace as she learns the job.

The frustration stems from our process of invoicing customers. Typically it’s as simple as taking the order, putting it into our system, and running the invoice. She’s still learning and figuring out the system, so it’s usually passed off to me to create the invoice, which is usually as simple as just reading all the information on the page, but she keeps insisting I need to call every customer to confirm the details.

I am the one who ships out every order, and considering that we have a reasonably hard pick-up time set up with our courier, time management is a critical factor of my work. If I am now spending an hour of my day making phone calls, that is an hour I cannot spend getting products ready to go out the door.

There have recently been a few issues (including invoicing and charging the wrong customer) which could have been avoided with such confirmation, but at the same time, it feels like I’m doing her job for her.

She fits in pretty well and I enjoy working with her, but how do I phrase this potential concern diplomatically? And is it something which should be mentioned to our manager? Or should I just give her some more grace and let things be?

Unless she’s your boss or heading up invoicing, a new hire doesn’t have the authority to insist that you call every customer just because that’s what she’d prefer. She’s clearly not your boss, so is there something else that gives her the standing to change the process? If she’s a peer who lacks that authority, you can just tell her no! You can say, “Actually, no, our process is not to call every time and there’s not enough time in our workday to do that. Our process is XYZ.”

If that doesn’t solve it (or if she does have some authority to change the process), then yes, you should talk to your boss and explain your new coworker is insistent on this, you’ve explained it’s not your process and you don’t have time to do it, but she’s insisting on it and so you need your boss to step in.

5. Should my resume include that I’m a legal permanent resident?

I am a U.S. permanent resident who has been living in the U.S. since I was 16 (I’m 24 now). I went back to the country I grew up in when I was 18 to complete my undergrad and master’s. Just before I started my master’s, I received permanent residence and now for a variety of reasons I have decided to stay in the U.S. for the foreseeable future.

I have not been able to find a full-time job for the past two years I have been in the U.S. Last year I job hunted for 10 months (including many final stage interviews) before I was offered a spring internship that ended this May. I am currently trying to find a full-time job (it’s not going well) and am wondering whether I should write on my resume that I am a legal permanent resident. Reasoning for doing that: my education is clearly abroad (both the universities I went to have the city name in their title), I have a foreign-sounding surname, and I did this last year and I got more callbacks despite having in my opinion a less accomplished resume. Reasoning against: I normally get work authorization questions asked during the application process, I don’t know why I am getting less callbacks this time around, and I was told by someone in the field to leave it off. Just wanted to see what you think!

Include it. It’s very common for resumes to include that information when employers might otherwise think the person will need sponsorship (especially because many employers don’t sponsor visas and will automatically reject candidates where they think it would be needed). Include something like “legal permanent resident — no sponsorship required” at the bottom of your resume.

The post my coworker doesn’t like me, colleague is too invested in the birth of my child, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/09/my-coworker-doesnt-like-me-colleague-is-too-invested-in-the-birth-of-my-child-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=41866