The Marci Rating System

Posted by Matthew Hooper

https://www.wonkette.com/p/welcome-to-wonkette-happy-hour-with-85f

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. I’ve been getting pretty wild with my cocktails recently, so let’s get back to a straightforward country club classic. The original recipe is a little basic for modern cocktails, but I know a trick or two to make it more interesting. Let’s make an Azalea. Here’s the recipe:

Azalea

2 oz Tito’s vodka

1 oz fresh lemon juice

1 oz limoncello syrup

½ oz pomegranate juice

Soda water

Shake all ingredients except the soda water with ice and strain into a pint glass filled with ice. Top the cocktail with soda water. Garnish with a lemon twist.

Limoncello Syrup

2 cups sugar

1 cup water

Zest of 1 lemon

2 4” sticks of lemongrass

Chop the lemongrass finely. Add zest, lemongrass, sugar, and water to a small saucepan. Simmer over low heat for 30 minutes. Strain and store in a glass container. Keeps refrigerated indefinitely.

It’s commonly accepted that the Azalea is the unofficial cocktail of The Masters tournament, although the actual history of the drink is muddy at best. I’ve seen a few versions of this drink, the most basic being a hard pink lemonade — vodka, lemonade, and grenadine. Pineapple juice and gin make their way into fancier versions. The recipe for an Azalea isn’t sacrosanct; fiddling with the basic concept is completely acceptable.

The only “must” about this cocktail is the color — it needs to be as pink as an azalea bush in full bloom. Every version of this drink I’ve seen uses commercial grenadine as the coloring agent. I’m not a fan of Rose’s grenadine. It’s red food coloring, corn syrup, and not much else. True grenadine is pomegranate-flavored, tart, and rich. I’ve made house grenadine for this column before, but this time I wanted some extra tartness and deeper color instead of adding a second syrup to the glass. Pomegranate juice does the job nicely and offers some extra tartness in a sweet cocktail.

Some of the recipes for the Azalea found online seem to lose the plot. Several versions use pineapple juice and gin as the foundation. Pineapple is a tricky beast to work with; too much and it completely overwhelms the flavors in a glass. Two ounces in this cocktail completely ruined the delicate lemon flavors of the syrup. Similarly, attempting to color pineapple juice pink with pomegranate juice was ... less than pretty. Maybe the artificial color of Rose’s grenadine would do the trick, but I couldn’t see the point.

A good gin like Hendrick’s can work wonders in this cocktail. But I’m very aware that Tito’s is the golfer’s booze of choice these days. We go through cases of the stuff every week at the country club. In my mind, a “country club” cocktail without Tito’s is missing the point. There’s something about the flavors in this glass — tart, lemony, and mild — that hits the sweet spot. When my spouse tasted it, she commented, “What’s the alcohol in this?” That’s the ideal country club drink — smooth, tasty, and eminently crushable. It’s easy to toss back two or three of these sitting on the patio or relaxing by the pool.

Let’s talk ingredients:

Tito’s Vodka: There really isn’t much difference between vodka brands. Use your favorite. Skyy Vodka has been a firm supporter of Pride Month in the past, but they’ve cowered in the face of Donald Trump’s bullying. At least Tito’s is adamantly politics-neutral. Hendrick’s gin is a great fit for this drink. If you splurged and bought Hendrick’s Oaisium for the Airport 77 cocktail I ran a few weeks back, you’re in for a treat. Use it here.

Lemon Juice: Always fresh, especially in this cocktail. Lemon has a starring role in this glass. Don’t skimp.

Limoncello Syrup: I wanted to boost the lemon flavor in this drink without increasing the acidity. Adding lemon zest and lemongrass to simple syrup produced floral lemon flavors reminiscent of limoncello. I’ll be using this syrup again.

Pomegranate Juice: Use 100 percent pomegranate juice, not a pomegranate “cocktail.”

Soda Water: Use what you like. Club soda contains a touch of salt, unlike sparkling water, but the difference is minimal.

In summary and conclusion, drink well, drink often, and tip your bartender – donate to Wonkette at the link below!

Wonkette one-time donation!

We aren’t linking to Amazon anymore, because fuck that coward Bezos with a rusty bar spoon. Go stock up on bar supplies instead. This mixing vessel from Barfly is a must for solid martinis. We’ve had two cheaper versions of this beaker break at the bar before the season even started. Spring for the good stuff.

You can find me on Bluesky at @samuraigrog!

OPEN THREAD! DRINK!

https://www.wonkette.com/p/welcome-to-wonkette-happy-hour-with-85f

Posted by Gary Legum

https://www.wonkette.com/p/help-i-vladimir-putin-cannot-choose

Das vidanya, tiny Wonkette suck monkeys! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, president of Russia, lord of the Motherland, and potentate of all the realms of the earth. Yes, all of them! Also, am excellent hockey player.

Is busy time here in Russia. You perhaps heard about phony Nazi nation of Ukraine and its “surprise” drone attack on Russian homeland. Was not surprise! Russia knew all along! We were planning on decommissioning all those Tu-95s anyway. Then glorious Russian intelligence officers found out about attack and figured, let Ukraine do work for us. Ha ha!

No, we do not have replacement for Tu-95 yet. We are like your DOGE – destroy everything and then figure out if you needed any of it. Is fine, we still have plenty of submarines with nuclear missiles, and not all of them have sunk yet.

I tell your President Trump all of this when we spoke this week. I say, Donald, Russia is not enemy. You are very greatest American to ever visit Russia. We would make you Hero of Soviet Union if that was still a thing. Russian people build shrines in homes and toast with vodka every night. And if they don’t, we shoot them! Ha ha ha! Was just little joke. Then he say, is good idea, I knew Russian people were smart. Why do we not have such shrines in American homes? I will tell Stephen Miller to get started writing up executive order!

I, Vladimir, thought about talking him down, but honestly, is funny! Imagine Miller, who looks a bit like disgraceful Yevgeny Prigozhin who made rookie mistake of not checking plane for grenades before takeoff, writing such order! You have seen way he writes, yes? Trakhni menya, is he terrible! So long-winded and dramatic, even Tolstoy would tell him to, how you say, take it down notch.

And this is before Miller’s wife absconded from White House with boy-man Elon Musk. Now will be worse, everything he writes will be Anna Karenina but super racist.

Donald is furious about Elon. We talk for 90 minutes, and 87 of them were “He’s so ungrateful” this and “After all I’ve done for him” that. Not unlike his speaking of Nazi Zelensky after Oval Office meeting.

Other three minutes were him telling me to buy his memecoin. He says, is most amazing memecoin on market. Bigger than dogecoin, whatever that is. Everyone wants Donald memecoin. People are saying it is biggest, most profitable memecoin ever, people buy it very strongly. And so on.

I tell him I will think about it, but profits sound too good to be true, even to Russian oligarchs. Numbers in heroic Soviet Union wheat harvest reports were more believable.

Wonkette, I will tell story. Once, when young, I have very great friends, Sasha and Irina. We have many outings together – picnics, parties, ice skating in Gorky Park. I spend many evenings drinking vodka in their apartment. Sasha and I very much enjoy making prank calls to Premier Andropov to ask him if refrigerator is running. Answer was usually nyet, of course not, is Soviet-made refrigerator, and can you believe I, the leader of all Soviet Union, cannot get decent refrigerator and have to keep throwing out caviar and whitefish because dead refrigerator make it spoil?

No one could ruin a joke better than Comrade Andropov.

But anyway, the point is I have great friendship with both Sasha and Irina. Then one day I go over to apartment and find Sasha crying in empty living room. Irina had left him for party cadre with important relatives, while Sasha was simple sturgeon cart proprietor with no prospects, and Irina did not care to lay in bed every night next to man who smell like dead fish. Very few women would, of course. Even Melania keeps separate bedroom.

Anyway, Sasha is utter mess. Is problem for me, because he is friend from childhood and will give me sturgeon discount. But Vladimir is fond of Irina as well! And her new husband can help me climb in Party. Very important to have such friends when you are KGB officer on, how you Americans say, the make?

Well, Wonkette, you know how it goes when close friends break up. Sometimes is no question you will remain friends with the Sasha and cut out the Irina. Sometimes is no question you stay friends with the Irina and dump the Sasha. But sometimes, you try to stay friends with both even if they hate each other. Then you are stuck in middle listening to Sasha moan that Irina never loved him, and Irina moan because Sasha was unambitious and could never get act together enough to buy second sturgeon cart. Is very difficult!

I think of Sasha and Irina when I see very great assets … er, friends, my friends Donald Trump and Elon Musk having very painful breakup. But they were so good together! Elon help get Donald elected president, which is good for Vladimir and Russia. Donald let Elon absolutely destroy American government, which is also good for Vladimir and Mother Russia. I need to remain friends with Donald so he will abandon phony Ukraine nation, and I must remain friends with Elon because he is world’s richest man and also easily manipulated moron, and what important world leader doesn’t want friend like that?

You see is very delicate situation! And then on Friday a member of Russian Duma, Dmitry Novikov, promise Russia will grant Elon asylum if he needs it. I call him and say, Dmitry Georgievich, what are you doing? What if Donald becomes angry and says he will not do trade deals with Russia after all? What if Europe stops buying our natural gas and we need to sell it to Americans so economy does not collapse? Did you not think of this?

And he says, Vladimir Vladimirovich, do we not need Elon Musk as well? Have we not said we hope to contribute nuclear technology to help him get to Mars? Do we not want help from SpaceX with our own space programs? Do we not still want him to kill Starlink over Ukraine so phony Nazi nation cannot use it against gallant Russian military?

And you know what? Dmitry Georgievich, I say, you are not wrong! This is good thinking! I will not have you thrown out of tall window, perhaps! Then I laugh. I am sure he got message.

But you can imagine awkwardness, yes? What if Elon calls and asks if he can crash on couch? What if Donald calls and says Vladimir, I hear Elon is flying his private jet to Russia. It sure would be a shame if he forgot to check for any stray grenades in the luggage compartment first, wink wink!

As your Homer Simpson once said, you can see bind Vladimir is in. Perhaps I will tell security services to forget to check both Elon’s plane and Air Force One for grenades on Donald’s next visit.

Wonkette, you heard nothing!

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[Kyiv Independent]

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Posted by Marcie Jones

https://www.wonkette.com/p/ice-agents-and-detainees-living-in

ICE kidnappings have now reached the art house film phase of ironic cruelty, with eight immigrants from Myanmar, Laos, Vietnam, Cuba, Mexico, and South Sudan, and 11 ICE agents living together in a shipping container at the US Navy base, Camp Lemonnier, in broiling-hot, malaria-choked Djibouti, the African country right across the gulf from Yemen.

PREVIOUSLY!

Any violence-prone GED-havers considering signing up for an ICE job, dig if you will a picture: The detainees and agents are living together in a shipping-container space that was meant to be a conference room, furnished with bunk beds. Because the space was never designed to be a prison, the lighting in the container is “limited,” and the detainees are being guarded by six agents working two shifts in there with them 24/7, and the agents have to accompany them to the bathroom and the medical suite.

And there’s surely been a lot of trips to both places. Within 72 hours of arrival the agents and detainees came down with fevers, and Kristi Noem or whoever’s decision to send them to Djibouti was so rushed and half-assed, no medication was sent along with them. None of them got any of the vaccinations or anti-malarial drugs that the WHO recommends for travel to Africa either, and two weeks later, the detainees and agents still don’t have adequate medications, according to a declaration from the Acting Deputy Executive Associate Director for DHS, ICE and ERO (Enforcement and Removal Operations), Mellissa (two Ls) Harper.

Welcome to Satan’s summer camp! It gets worse! Right by the base is a burn pit that gets fired up every night to incinerate all the poop and trash of the 4,000-plus people who live and work there. And because the average temperature of Djibouti in June is 103 during the day and 90 at night with few breezes, the toxic poop-trash smoke hangs over the base all the time. In spite of wearing K95 masks even to sleep, some of the officers have needed medical attention for their poop-particle-choked respiratory systems.

More hellishly still, the base is also under constant threat of attack from the Houthis across the gulf in Yemen, and they are extra angry because Pete Hegseth has been bombing residential buildings there, *HIC*, as he detailed in that group chat.

That’s just how hellbent DHS apparently is to hurry up and break that law before a judge can stop them, as part of a larger rushed and blundering program to send detainees to third countries where they are not from, and then claim no-take-backsies.

Apparently DHS was so frantic to find somewhere to send these detainess, it didn’t even give a day’s notice to the base that they were coming; having the detainees foisted on the base as unexpected guests has distracted from military readiness with disruption and less resources for the base, too.

This trip from hell embarked on May 22, with the administration defying a court order from federal Judge Brian Murphy to give the eight detained migrants “meaningful opportunity” to argue that sending them to a country they’ve never been to would threaten their safety. But some of the countries would not take them back, and with the guy from Mexico, the administration appears to have not even asked.

First, DHS was going to send them to civil-war-torn Libya, or Rwanda, as they did with one Iraqi detainee. Then it was supposed to be South Sudan, but South Sudan would not take them, and Judge Murphy blocked their removal to there too. And South Africa was also mentioned.

The outraged judge demanded that DHS,

“maintain custody and control of class members currently being removed to South Sudan or to any other third country, to ensure the practical feasibility of return if the Court finds that such removals were unlawful.”

And then they popped up in Djibouti, surprise! By having them on a military base, at least they are doing that, and not just kicking them out of the plane over the sea, like Pinochet?

DHS spokesghoul Tricia McLaughlin knows who to blame for this horror: the judge, of course, for “putting the lives of our ICE law enforcement in danger by stranding them in Djibouti without proper resources, lack of medical care, and terrorists who hate Americans running rampant.”

Every day is opposite day! So what’s the plan now, just going to leave them there forever? So it would seem.

ICE has been struggling to figure out what to do with all that human chattel. Even though they are out of space in their detention-jails, and running out of money, Kristi Noem says they have bumped up arrest quotas from 1,800 to 3,000 a day, faster than the GEO Group can build its for-profit private prisons.

And protests have been erupting all over:

San Diego, after ICE raided an Italian restaurant based on a tip from 2020 that somebody there might not have papers.

SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! That’s right, back up, you masked pussies dressed up like the invasion of Fallujah to arrest some pasta chefs! San Diego isn’t scared of you!

Minneapolis, where protestors mistook DEA agents for ICE agents, which is what happens when ICE agents play dress-up all the time and nobody can tell who anybody is any more.

Boston, where agents dragged off 18-year-old Marcelo Gomes Da Silva, a Brazilian national who entered the US in 2012 when he was a small child, on a student visa that’s lapsed. He was about to graduate high school with honors and was on his way to volleyball practice. Students staged a walkout and protest. And guess what, IT WORKED. Da Silva has been released!

And Chicago. Last word to Chicago alderperson for the 26th ward Jessie Fuentes, who fucking BROUGHT IT and gives us so much energy. Watch it again and again, and send it to your friends!

@lulu_bella42Aldermen and activists holding a press conference after several people were taken by agents in downtown Chicago's South Loop, June 4, 2025. #Chicago #southloop #PressConference #Activism #Agents #immigration #Concerns #foryoupage #foryou #fyp

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Is this still a winning issue for Trump? No! More Americans disapprove of this disgusting spectacle than not, 49 percent, though 47 percent approve, somehow.

One nicer thing, the administration has brought back a different wrongfully deported detainee, as Judge Brian Murphy had demanded. A gay Guatemalan asylum seeker, identified as OCG, was sent to Mexico, with no due process, in violation of a direct court order, with the administration lying to the judge that OCG said he was not afraid for his safety in Mexico, when in fact OCG had claimed that he had previously been kidnapped and raped in Mexico. Now OCG is back in the US, the first example yet of the administration doing what we all knew all along it could and following a court order to facilitate his return.

Will there be more of that? Let’s hope so! We shall see.

[NYT / Guardian / The Atlantic]

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