it's all just so much, all the time

[marcicat]

Fantastic out of context gem from a work meeting with my boss yesterday:

"You won't have any goals for this year."

DAMN, TRUER WORDS!

(The context is that the company is changing the system used for annual performance evaluations, and in the new system, only managers will have goals "in the system," because those goals will be linked to their bonus. Somehow. Corporate math is a mystery to me. The rest of us minions will only have goals "outside the system," in one of the other half-dozen "systems" the company uses for such things.)

(This is loosely related to the new "performance matrix," which is a hilarious version of a x-y axis graph, in which -- I wish I was joking -- the aim/expectation for minions is to be at zero. This is because our jobs -- according to the matrix -- don't have much potential to add measurable value to the company's bottom line [the y axis], nor are we able to significantly influence the company's culture [the x axis]. I genuinely could not decide whether to laugh or cry during the presentation of this novel new measurement system. WHAT. EVEN.)

(I mean, it's definitely so that they can classify nearly every employee as mediocre, thus justifying the avoidance of any pay raises. It's also hilarious.)

Comments

[china_shop]

Is the company name, like, Dystopian Satire Corp LLC?

[marcicat]

Ha! I'm pretty sure it's just a natural progression of corporate thinking. The execs who make this stuff up have completely disconnected the concept of 'people' from the concept of 'employees.' They think people are great; all the people they meet who work for the company are great! Employees are totally different. They're numbers and dollars that can be managed with a balance sheet. It's a special kind of mental gymnastics, I think.